The Incredibly Random FF7 Story of DOOM!
by CheshireCat o.Oo.O
Summary: This has Cussing,Profanity, YAOI, Cloud bashing and some OOC involved. So as of right now it is T. Might move up to M later for severe cussing but I will see. See inside for more details.
1. Cloud's Problem

THE INCREDIBLY HORRIFYING FF7 STORY OF RANDOMNESS

Gir: YAY WE'RE DOOMED!

Cheshire Cato.Oo.O: Dude you said it.

Gir: Lets make waffles.

TCC: Okay.

Gir: Ummm The Cheshire Cat want everybody to know that umm she doesn't own anything except self inserts and the Random stuff.

TCC: or you

Gir: But you own plushies of me.

TCC: that's not the same.

THERE IS SOME OOC, YAOI, CUSSING/PROFANITY and SEVERE CLOUD BASHING IN THIS STORY. DO NOT FLAME ME.FLAMES WILL BE USED TO MAKE WAFFLES :P

--------------------Chapter 1 Cloud's Problem---------------------

"Cloud. Get your lazy ass down here at once." Tifa yelled.

"Yeah yeah yeah, I got it." Cloud mumbles.

Now usually when Cloud wakes up, He wakes up alone. But not today. He sits up, yawns, and finally realizes that there is something in the bed next to him. With silver hair. And this thing apparently doesn't like being woken up at 7a.m.

"GET YOUR HANDS OF MOTHERS PANCAKES!!!!!!!!!!!" The silver haired thing yelled jumping out of the bed, completely naked, with a sword poised two inches from Clouds face.

"DUDE What the FUCK?" Cloud yells jumping up himself. Then he realizes that he also sleeps in the nude and wraps the blanket around himself.

"Oh. Hi Cloud."

"Sephiroth what in the hell are you doing here?"

"What you don't remember?" Sephiroth says suggestively.

"No, not really." Cloud says.

Now about the time Cloud says this, Tifa bursts into clouds room carrying a frying pan, and swings it around wildly looking for someone to smack with it. Unfortunately, it's Cloud who gets hit (He really has no reflexes this early in the morning!) and he falls to the floor. Sephiroth bursts out laughing and points at the now unconscious Cloud. Tifa, finally realizing who she just knocked out, runs to the kitchen for some cold water. Meanwhile Sephiroth is still laughing at the unconscious form on the floor, and Tifa is scrambling to get back up the stairs with a full pot of cold water in her hands. She splashes Cloud with the contents of said pot and he says something about "I don't want pancakes mommy." Then she realizes there is a naked Sephiroth standing in Clouds room.

"Oh My God, MANBITS!"

Blink Blink "Uh no. Sephiroth. Sephiroth, got it memorized?"

Axel then bursts through the wall and goes "COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT!!! I SUE YOU NOW!!!" Then realizes that Sephiroth is naked. "Um,uh. Well this is awkward." And walks back out the giant hole that was left when he burst through the wall.

At this time Cloud is cussing up a storm while he tries to piece his wall back together and Sephiroth is looking around frantically for something to wear.

"Cloud would you like to explain this?" Tifa asks

"No. Actually I would not like to explain this." He snaps back.

"I can explain." Sephiroth said, Looking seductively over at Cloud.

"NEVER MIND. Sorry I asked." Tifa said nervously. "Need some clothes Sephiroth?"

"Yes. I would actually love to know what happened to my clothes." Sephiroth said, scratching his head.

----------Meanwhile Downstairs----------------

Vincent walks into the Seventh Heaven bar with Reno tailing behind him.

"I swear. I saw Cloud and Sephiroth all over each other last night. Then they both disappeared." Reno says.

"Was Cloud drunk?" Vincent asks.

"I don't know. I think so."

"Interesting."

They look up as they hear loud noises coming from upstairs. Thumps, followed by loud cussing and then a very pissed off Cloud shouting "Sephiroth STOP TOUCHING MY ASS YOU DAMN PERVERT." Then Tifa screaming "DAMMIT SEPHIROTH. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AND MY EYESIGHT PUT SOME DAMN CLOTHES ON."

They both look at each other before Vincent draws Cerberus.

"I'm going in."

"I don't think you should do that yo." Reno says.

"Well, what should we do?" Vincent asks,"Should we just stay down here? What if they kill each other up there?"

"What if they kill us for going up there? Sephiroth is damn scary in the morning yo."

"I don't want to know how you know that." Vincent says, leaning on the bar.

-------------Back upstairs--------------

"I will never be able to get this damn image out of my mind.Ahh does anybody have any soap?" Tifa says.

See, right now she is staring at Sephiroth trying desperately to steal Clouds blanket. Suddenly the One Winged Angel (Sephiroth's Theme song in case you didn't know) starts playing in the background and Cloud grabs a pillow. "I will defend my blanket to the death." Cloud shouts as he swings his pillow around effectively hitting Sephiroth in the face. Sephiroth grabs a pillow and starts to beat Cloud over the head with it.

"Now this is getting interesting."

"(oO;) Who the hell are you?" Tifa asks the new person, sitting on the dresser next to the door, sipping a coke.

"I am CheshireCat o.Oo.O. The authoress of this story and Sephiroth fan girl." I yell waving my coke around in the air.

"You know he's gay right?"

"He's trisexual. He'll get over it."

The epic pillow fight is still going on, when suddenly Vincent crashes through the door with his gun drawn.

"Alright, I am coming to save you...Cloud?"

At this time Sephiroth effectively snatches Clouds blanket off and they are both standing there NAKED.

"HES NEKKID!!" I yell, spilling my coke everywhere.

Cloud tries to cover himself the best he can. Sephiroth just stands there as naked as the day he was created. Tifa's eyes bug out of her head before she collapses onto the floor. Gir (from Invader Zim) just so happens to show up and sits down next to me. Vincent stares at Sephiroth and Cloud like he is about to faint himself, and I am still sitting in the same spot, sipping my coke.

"Who the hell...What the hell...Why the hell...WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE??" Vincent yells, waving his gun around.

"Well, if you really want to know.."Sephiroth starts.

"Don't even try Sephiroth!" Vincent snaps. He turns to me, "Okay.Who are you?"

"Me? I am the CheshireCat o.Oo.O. Authoress of this story and Sephiroth (and Vincent) Fan girl!!" I say waving my coke for effect.

"And I'm Gir from Invader Zim, companion of the Cheshire Cat and Nobody's Fan boy!!" He yells.

"Okay." He turns to Cloud and Sephiroth," Why are you two naked. Actually, nevermind I don't want to know."

All of the sudden Reno bursts through what's left of Clouds wall. "All right NOBODY MOVE!" he yells waving his nightstick around.

Axel (why he was still here we don't know. He just sort of appears out of nowhere.), walks across the room.

"Hey I said NOBODY MOVE."

"But I am a Nobody."

"Yep. He's a Nobody alright." I said raising my hand.

"Who is she?" Reno asks.

"She's the Authoress of the story and a Sephiroth (and Vincent) Fangirl. The Cheshire Cat o.Oo.O. And that little green dog (who was poking at the still unconscious Tifa.) Is Gir from Invader Zim. Constant companion of the Cheshire Cato.Oo.O." Vincent explains.

"Yo."I said

"Hello." Gir says as he jumps up and down on Tifa's stomach.

"So why is Tifa unconscious?" Reno asks.

"To much Manbits for her."Vincent says.

"Uhhh okay. And what are Manbits?"

"You really don't want to know."

"And why are they..."

Sephiroth and Cloud both yell "DON'T ASK!!" at the same time. I jump off of the dresser and magically pull Sephiroth's clothes out from behind me.

"What! You had those the whole time?" Sephiroth asks, taking the clothing from me.

"Yep."

"Can I ask why you didn't give them to me sooner."

"You looked like you were having so much fun."

"I'm not now."

Reno whispers to Vincent how Sephiroth REALLY needs to tan.Tifa wakes up after Gir randomly licks Tifa in the face. Cloud, finally realizing that there were seven people (five people, one nobody, one Gir dog) standing in his room. And I ask Gir and Axel if they would like some pancakes.

"Pancakes sound great right now." Axel says trying to wipe the naked Cloud and Sephiroth pillow fighting from his mind.

"YAY PANCAKES!!" Gir yells.

"Somebody say something about pancakes?" a (now fully clothed) Sephiroth asks.

"They aren't your mother's though." I said turning around.

"I'll deal."

We all turn towards the door and just as we are leaving, Cloud whispers,

"Sephiroth, do you know where my clothes are??"

----------End of CHAPTER ONE---------------

Gir:YAY WE'RE DOOMED.

Vincent: You already said that.

TCC: Dude by the time I am at the end of this story I will just have to say I am a FF7 guys fangirl.

Vincent: Why's that?

TCC: Well first I had to add Sephiroth, then you. But I also am a fangirl of Kadaj and Yazoo. And they show up in the next chapter.

Cloud: WHAT????

Sephiroth: What does TCC stand for?

TCC: It's a shorter version of The CheshireCat o.Oo.O. In other words TCC.

Sephiroth: Oh. Will I be as OOC in the Next Chapter.

TCC: God I hope not!! Everybody REVIEW PLEASE!!!


	2. Where is my mind?

TCC: OMG Someone actually reviewed. MANY THANKS TO JeanneAndHerAlters.Yep. Now my life is complete and I have to kill myself.

Gir:Yay Finally -Explodes-

TCC: Ah nuts, that was my companion and random friend. Dammit, what do I do now .

Gir: About what?

TCC: oh yeah I forgot, you don't die. Now say the disclaimer Gir.

Gir: Alright but you have to dance like a monkey.

TCC: Shit I forgot about that too.

Gir: While TCC is dancing, as she said before she owns nothing but herself and her ideas.

TCC: Can I stop now.

Axel: No. This is actually fun...Why are you staring at me like that?

----------Chapter 2 Where is my mind?---------------

As I am in the kitchen making pancakes with Gir and laughing at the loud curses of "Fucking wall! Why doesn't it stay UP?", Sephiroth walks in to check on my progress.

Before he can say anything we hear a loud commotion, almost like someone singing, from the front of the bar.

"You order a singing telegram?" I ask Sephiroth.

"Nope."

"Let's go see whats going on out there.Gir, watch the pancakes."

"What're they going to fly away?" he asks. Just as he says it, one of the pancakes jumps off the grill and fly's out the window.

"Dammit Gir! You shouldn't have said anything.You know how damn random this fanfic is!"

"OOOOPPPPSS. I'll be right back." He jumps out the window after the flying pancake.

Me and Sephiroth walk out into the Bar area where three silver haired men are singing."Well, you don't see that everyday!" I said laughing.

Do you like Waffles

Yes we like Waffles

Do you like Pancakes

Yes we like Pancakes

Do you like French Toast

Yes we like French Toast

Do do do do can't wait to get a mouthful

WAFFLES

WAFFLES

"Uh guys, What exactly are you doing here?" Reno asks the singing trio.

"Yazoo says he wants pancakes," Kadaj said "And we wont stop singing until we get some."

"Oh. So he has the Munchies.I get it." I said

"Damn, your not going to start up with that whole,Yazoo is a stoner thing,are you?"Kadaj asks pointing.

"I wouldn't start it up if he'd just admit it."

"Don't I get any say in this?" Yazoo says.

"TCC just called Yazoo a stoner." Loz says crying.

"Don't cry Loz."

"I'M NOT CRYING!"

"Who're you trying to fool." I said.

"PANCAKES ARE DONE." Gir yelled from the Kitchen.

"Cool shit. Everybody pick a seat. And before you ask, NO Sephiroth. You cannot sit next to Cloud. You will just molest him some more."

"Damn foiled again." Sephiroth says snapping his fingers.

I run back into the kitchen, while everyone else sets the tables. Vincent and Tifa walk in and pick seats. Axel and Reno bring out plates. Cloud goes behind the bar to find eating utensils . Gir runs by trying to catch that one stray, flying pancake, with a net.

"By the way.You never did explain what Manbits are." Reno says, looking at Cloud.

A loud sputtering sound is heard and Cloud turns around so quickly that he smacks right into Sephiroth, successfully lodging a fork right into Sephiroth's ass.

"OWW SHIT." Sephiroth yells.

I come running into the room, thinking that Axel set someone on fire. To find it's just a six-foot-tall, silver haired,sociopath with a fork shoved in his ass. Nothing to worry about. Nothing until a certain red haired nobody, decides to make the situation worse by exclaiming loudly that this particular sociopath has something in his ass. Then things can go very wrong very quickly. Sephiroth pulls his Masamune from out of nowhere and attacks, not the person that caused the incident in the first place, but the person currently laughing at his dilemma. That person happens to be Reno. To make matters worse, Rude just walked in.

Spotting a loudly cussing Sephiroth and a panicking Reno, is probably not the best thing to see in the morning.

He walks over to the bar and sits down.

" Are you going to help him?" Vincent asks.

"In a minute." Rude says fixing his sunglasses.

As Reno goes running by with Sephiroth hot on his heels, Rude suddenly whirls around and catches Reno by the back of the shirt. He brings Reno dangerously close to his face.

"What. Did.You.Do.This.Time?" He asks, dangerously.

"I didn't do anything. All I did was laugh and Sephiroth because he has a fork sticking out of his ass." Reno says,looking back towards the still raging silver haired man.

"Will somebody please pull that fork out of Sephiroth's ass?!!" I yell. I look towards the SHM group but they look like someone put the fear of god into them.

"Fine.I'll do it."

I walk over towards Sephiroth, who is now foaming at the mouth, and I quickly pull the eating utensil out of his ass.

"Well, that takes care of that." I said as everyone stares at me in disbelief.

"What?"

"Well, besides the fact that you pulled the fork out of Sephiroth's ass, Without getting your head chopped off. Nothing." Vincent says.

"I WANT TO KNOW WHAT MANBITS ARE." Loz yells waving his hand like an idiot.

Rude leans over and whispers something into Loz's ear. Loz then promptly tells Yazoo and Kadaj, who then burst out laughing like a couple of maniacs. Gir comes out with two plates stacked high with pancakes and everybody sits down at a particularly large table in the middle of the room. The order around the table goes: Tifa, Vincent, Axel, Cloud, Reno, Rude, Me, Gir, Sephiroth, Loz, Yazoo, and Kadaj. Everybody starts to pass pancakes to each other and, (after a long shouting match between a now calm Sephiroth and Reno over who should get more pancakes) starts eating.

After a couple of non eventful minutes of pancake eating...

With your feet in the air and your head on the ground

Try this trick and spin it, yeah

"Anyone else besides me hear that?" Cloud says looking up.

"Hear what?" Kadaj asks, also looking up.

"Never mind."

Your head will collapse

But theres nothing in it

And you'll ask yourself

Where is my mind

"Alright, I know I heard something that time." Cloud says standing up.

"ITS THE AMAZING NOISE PIXIES THAT LIVE IN YOUR HEAD!" Gir says.

"Nope, Its Where is my mind, by the Pixies." I said looking up.

"See! It's not noise pixies." Everyone, except for me, stares at him like he has totally lost it."Well it's not."

"Maybe your radio had something fall on the ON button." Axel said.

"Either it's that or Gremlins." I said.

"Let's go check it out!" Gir says, jumping up from the table.

"Alright. I'll bite." Cloud says also getting up from the table.

"But you wouldn't let me last night." Sephiroth mutters.

"What was that?" Axel asks moving closer to Sephiroth.

"Axel, move your ass." I said, practically pushing him up the stairs.

When we get to Cloud's room, all I can do is stare at the person calmly putting Cloud's wall back together.

"Okay, Does one of you numbskulls know why President Rufus Shinra is putting Cloud's wall back together?" I said.

"..."

"I'm gonna sing the doom song now!" Gir yells.

----------End Chapter 2 DUN DUN DUN----------

TCC:I thank The Pixies for "Where is my mind."And whoever for the Pancake song.

Gir: YAY PIXIES

Cloud: Help Sephiroth is trying to bite me now!!

TCC: What is he a vampire?

Sephiroth: -Evil smile-

TCC: Well, that would be random.

Axel: Will we ever find out why Rufus Shinra putting Cloud's wall together? Why exactly is Rufus listening to that song? Will Reno even find out what Manbits means? Is Sephiroth a Vampire?(Cloud: Hold on, what the hell does that have to do with anything???) Find out in the next sanity robbing chapter of The Incredibly Random FF7 Story of DOOM!

Cloud: GET SEPHIROTH AWAY FROM MEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


	3. SONGS OF DOOM

TCC: ITS TIME FOR ANOTHER MIND NUMBING EPISODE OF The Incredibly Random FF7 Story of DOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GIR: YAY

TCC: This has a couple of songs in it so more than likely it will be longer than my previous chapters.

Sephiroth: Wait, Songs?

GIR: So we should call it the SONGS OF DOOM Chapter.

TCC: Your right. This is the SONGS OF DOOM SPECIAL CHAPTER OF INSANE RANDOMNESS.

Vincent: Thats kind of long.

Sephiroth: My idea was better.

TCC: Fine we will go with the gay guys intro.

Sephiroth: That was uncalled for. -sniff-

GIR: TCC OWNS NOTHING!!!!! EXCEPT PLUSHIES!!!!!!!

Songs used: Beelz - Stephen Lynch, If you were gay- Avenue Q

-----------------SONGS OF DOOM------------------------(Sephiroth: Told you my idea was better.)

We are currently standing at Cloud's ruined door, staring in disbelief at a perfectly calm Rufus Shinra, as he finishes putting Cloud's wall back together. What's really funny is that he has all the necessary tools used to fix the kind of wall Cloud has. I was astounded that he was so prepared. And even more astounded that he had brought all of this equipment past every one of us. As I start clapping for the guy, everyone else stands at the door trying to piece what is left of their sanity back together. Gir runs over and turns the blaring radio off.

"Oh hey guys. Wait. What is Sephiroth doing here?" He says, pointing at the silver haired sociopath. (I LIKE THAT WORD. Sociopath is our gold star word today. Every time you say sociopath, you get a gold star!!)

"Well if you really want to know..."

"Dude, you shouldn't have said anything." I said, shaking my head.

"Ever since first man has walked this Earth I have been here

To whisper seeds of doubt and evil thoughts into his ear

I am the beast, the outcast angel fallen from on high

I go by many names by there is one you can't deny

My name is Satan, hi everybody!

Ahh, let me tell you a little about myself

My friends all call me old scratch and I am a Capricorn

My turn ons are romantic walks and killing the unborn

I've got little devil horns, and a little Goatee,

little devil eyes to help a little devil see

little cloven hoofs that make it kinda hard to ski

I'm Satan, Woo Hoo!

Or Mephistopheles for some. I dont know"

("Dude What the fuck?" Reno said, jumping backwards.)

"My real name is Beelzebub, but you can call me Beelz

I love to watch Fox news and then go club some baby seals

Then I'll take a bubble bath and drink a zinfandel

Try to wash off that baby seal smell

And then I'll make a toast to me

Hey, here's to my hell..

Th… My name is Satan. Ah Hah!"

I sit down on the dresser, (yes the same one from before.) and pop open another can of Soda. Gir sits down beside me and bobs up and down with Sephiroth's song. As he is still singing, I notice that everyone else is in too much of a shock to really do anything. Then Axel starts fiddling with the back of Vincent's cloak. I guess it's even more nuts at the Castle that Never Was so he is immune to random silver haired people singing. (coughXemnascough) Suddenly the tattered red cape bursts into flames. But Vincent doesn't notice this because his mind is screaming that there is something dreadfully wrong with this situation. Because not only is Sephiroth singing, he is stripping. And it doesn't help that a stripper pole appears out of nowhere. Wait, WHAT THE FUCK! Even I do a little double take at that. Cloud looks around sheepishly before blushing like a mad fiend. (O.O; CLOUD! YOU HORN DOG!!!!!)

"To carry on my evil ways I went and had a son (Actually I had three. But for the sake of keeping the song original its only one.)

And now he makes his living as a singing comedian

I'm in every Zeppelin album

I'm in all Rush Limbaugh's rants

I'm the reason that the Boston Red Sox even had a chance

And if I want to eat your soul, I'll just throw it on a griddle.

I don't need to make a deal, I don't need to tell a riddle

And fuck Charlie Daniels I don't care if he can fiddle

I'm Satan.

The Devil went down to Georgia, he was looking for a soul to steal

That's fucking bullshit because I wouldn't be caught dead in Georgia

Ok, it's like Oh my God!

Six, Six, Six!"

He gets to the end of his dance with only his chocobo covered boxers left on. President Shinra has completely stopped his progress on the wall to stare at the silver haired man, a look of pure horror plastered to his face. I, doing the only thing that I can think of at the time, clap my hands screaming "ENCORE". Everyone else just stands there, Staring. Kadaj whispers to Yazoo that it takes a really secure man to do something like that and Yazoo just nods his head in agreement. The smell of smoke is now thick in the air.

"Does anyone else smell something burning?" Kadaj asked looking around.

"VINNIES ON FIRE!!!" Gir yells pointing.

"What literally?" I asked.

"OH MY GOD! I AM ON FIRE!!!!!!" Vincent yells.

Vincent then proceeds (to the dismay of everyone in the room) to run around like a chicken with it's head cut off. He does this for a couple of minutes, until someone shouts to stop, drop, and roll. He finally remembers that he suppose to the least insane person here, and doing the sane thing, stops, drops, and rolls all over Cloud's floor. Cloud stares in disbelief as Vincent successfully scorches his precious carpet. As all of this is happening Sephiroth stands to the side of the room laughing his ass off. He suddenly remembers the time he set himself, as well as the entire town of Nibelheim, on fire. Apparently the thought that he was going to make cookies. But he probably forgot that he was falling down drunk, and accidentally lite his pot warmers on fire. (Later saying that he burnt Nibelheim down on purpose because he thought Hojo was an ass. And, as everyone already knows, Hojo is an ASS. So no one disputed his claim.)

"WHY MY FLOOR!! WHY!!!" Cloud Shouted, Raising his hands above his head.

"How did you set yourself on fire?" Tifa asked.

"How indeed." I said looking at Axel.

"HEY EVERYBODY. SEPHIROTH IS TRYING TO MOLEST CLOUD AGAIN!!" Axel yelled nervously.

Everyone turned around to find a sobbing Cloud and Sephiroth with this innocent, I-didn't-do-anything look. But it's kind of hard to pull that look off when said person's hand happens to be on Cloud's ass. I smiled wickedly as I formulated the most evil plan ever. I sat my coke down on the dresser and hopped down.

"Hey Sephiroth. You won't believe what happened to me on the subway this morning." I said. At this time I am using my, oh so famous, Cheshire Cat Smile.

"NO! NOT THAT! ANYTHING BUT AVENUE Q!" He said, backing up.

"Oh come on Sephy.

IF YOU WERE GAY

THAT'D BE OKAY.

I MEAN 'CAUSE, HEY,

I'D LIKE YOU ANYWAY.

BECAUSE YOU SEE,

IF IT WERE ME,

I WOULD FEEL FREE

TO SAY THAT I WAS GAY

(BUT I'M NOT GAY.)"

Now while I was singing this lovely song, I grabbed his hands and was making him dance with me. (Did I mention that while I am doing this he is still in his cute little chocobo boxers! I didn't? Well now you know!) And he did the most amazing thing. HE ACTUALLY STARTED BLUSHING!!! (told you he was trisexual . ) Everyone else is trying not to laugh, for fear that if they do, Sephiroth will hunt them down and kill them. Unfortunately, Reno is losing the battle between common sense and certain doom.

"IF YOU WERE QUEER"

-Reno sniggers-

"I'D STILL BE HERE,"

-Reno clasps his hands over his mouth-

"YEAR AFTER YEAR"

-Reno starts to lose control of his shoulders shaking-

"BECAUSE YOU'RE DEAR TO ME,"

-He starts to snort-

"AND I KNOW THAT YOU"

-Sephiroth starts to notice that tears are running down Reno's cheeks. And hopes, for Reno's sake, that the reason the redhead is crying is because he understands his plight-

"WOULD ACCEPT ME TOO,"

-Reno lets out a strangled laugh, that sounds like A-Yuc-

"IF I TOLD YOU TODAY,

HEY! GUESS WHAT,

I'M GAY!

(BUT I'M NOT GAY.)

I'M HAPPY

JUST BEING WITH YOU.

SO WHAT SHOULD IT

MATTER TO ME

WHAT YOU DO IN BED

WITH GUYS?"

-Sephiroth turns beet red and Reno hits the ground laughing-

"IF YOU WERE GAY, I'D SHOUT HOORAY!"

-Reno starts to roll around on the ground while the others also start laughing uncontrollably-

"AND HERE I'D STAY,"

-Sephiroth grabs his sword but I grab it away from him. Then I start ballroom dancing with the, now very flustered, sociopath-

"BUT I WOULDN'T GET IN YOUR WAY."

-Sephiroth turns about three different shades of red while the others laugh even harder-

"YOU CAN COUNT ON ME

TO ALWAYS BE

BESIDE YOU EVERY DAY,

TO TELL YOU IT'S OKAY,

YOU WERE JUST BORN

THAT WAY,

AND, AS THEY SAY,

IT'S IN YOUR DNA,

YOU'RE GAY!"

-Sephiroth starts to shake uncontrollably as I clutch him tighter-

"IF YOU WERE GAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!! "

"I AM TRISEXUAL!" Sephiroth shouts.

"..."

"Well. FINALLY he admits it." I said, releasing him.

I walk passed the extremely embarrassed Sociopath and hop back onto the dresser. Everyone, including an out of breath Rufus Shinra, is still laughing at the ex-general. Now self proclaimed trisexual. Sephiroth slumps to the floor and repeatedly bangs his head several times into Cloud's bed shouting "Dammit now everyone is going to know".Gir looks at Sephiroth and then attaches himself to Sephiroth's face.

"WHAT THE FUCK." Sephiroth yells, trying desperately to get the small android with a dogsuit off his face.

"SOMEBODY NEEDS A HUG!!"

"AHHHHH." Sephiroth shouts, "GETHIMOFFGETHIMOFFGETHIMOFF!!!"

"Dude, Was that even English?" Reno says, suddenly sitting up.

"That was Sephirothese for, I am not going to molest Cloud while the authoress is here." I said nonchalantly, "Alright Gir, he's had enough."

"I want to be a mongoose." Gir says. He jumps off Sephiroth and wags his tail.

"Hey.Does anyone know where Axel went?" I said.

----------------------To be continued------------------------

Vincent: That was Random. And it barely answered any of the previously asked questions.

Gir: Yep. But thats why it is a random story of DOOM.

Sephiroth: Hi guys.

Vincent: o.O;

Gir: TCC! The One Winged Fairy is NEKKID!

Vincent: again.

Gir: And he is drinking from a blood bag!

Vincent: O.O...I am leaving now.

Sephiroth: Why so soon Vinnie? The nights still young...

Vincent: EEP


	4. Drunken Lullabies Part 1

TCC: Woot. I am working on 4 different FanFics at the same time!

Gir: WE'VE MISSED YOU!!

Sephiroth: Some more than others.

TCC: Ahh, What could possibly be the matter Sephi Poo?

Sephiroth: Beside you embarrassing me at every opportunity? Nothing.

Gir: TCC owns nothing except herself and a cute plushie of me!!!

TCC: You know Sephiroth, if you are not going to be nice to me. I am going to have to put you in a French maid's outfit.

Sephiroth: HOLY SHIT!!!!

Special Guests: Xemnas, Xigbar, and Yuffie.

--------------------Drunken Lullabies------------------------

Everyone was standing around doing their own little thing. Rufus Shinra had finished the wall (Damn he's fast!!!) and was currently lugging equipment down stairs. Vincent was standing against the wall, brooding as usual. Tifa, Reno, and Rude were having a conversation about why Cloud had a stripper pole in his room. Cloud was steam cleaning his floor, trying to get rid of the black marks all over his beige carpet. Sephiroth was attempting to find his clothing, while I was trying to stash it in Cloud's dresser. Gir was randomly eating a pancake from down stairs, and Kadaj, Loz, and Yazoo were trying to comfort Sephiroth, repeatedly telling him that he was still mothers favorite.

"Where the hell are my CLOTHES people??" Sephiroth screamed.

"I don't know. Maybe if you spent more time with them on, these types of things wouldn't happen." I said, stuffing the last bit of his coat into Cloud's pants drawer.

"Yeah, I've noticed that!! Who the hell do you think you are a Chip and Dales dancer???" Reno remarked. Sephiroth started to reach for his Masamune again.

To prevent impending doom I suddenly said, "I have some clothes for you Seph. But, you might not like them. "

"Anything is better than running around in my boxers."

"You shouldn't have said that dude. Gir show him what we have." Gir walked over and handed Sephiroth a...Cow costume.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS????"

"You said anything is better than running around in your boxers."

"Yes. But a Cow costume? Why the hell do you have that anyway?"

"I don't know." Gir said.

"Hey either it's that or a French Maid's outfit."

"Hey! That's from my..." Sephiroth said, before clamping his hands over his mouth, a crimson flush slowly forming on his face.

The world seemed to stop at that point. Everyone stopped doing what they were doing to stare at the silver haired sociopath (I love that word), causing several accidents in the process. My eyebrows shot halfway up my forehead. Rufus dropped a hammer on his foot letting out a yell that could have woke the dead. Vincent literally fell off the wall he was standing against, and knocked himself unconscious on the stripper pole. Cloud, who was finished with the floor and putting the steam cleaner away in his closet, actually shut HIMSELF in the closet (in other words he shut the door on his Ding Ding Dong) and let out a wail that would put a soprano to shame. I fell off of the dresser and hit the floor laughing. Reno and Rude suddenly DIED laughing. Tifa had to bring them both back with a couple of Phoenix Downs she had laying around. Kadaj turned around, his shoulders shaking. Yazoo just picked imaginary lint from his sleeve. Loz burst into tears, and the stray pancake, which Gir named George since he couldn't catch it, flew by Sephiroth's head.

"Um, is this a bad time?" Someone asked. I looked up to see a familiar looking black and silver haired man, hanging out of Cloud's ceiling.

"Nope. Just as good a time as any in this nut house." I said, picking myself off of the floor, "What's up Xiggy? Besides you of course."

"Nothing Dude. Just trying to find Axel."

"Yeah that's right. I owe him for setting Vincent on fire."

"WHAT!" The now conscious gunman screamed, "He set me on fire? I am going to shot him until he is dead, and then shoot him some more."

"Take it easy there Vincent. I'll get him back. In the meantime, will someone please help Cloud up? I don't think that he will be able to have children."

"What happened to him?" Yazoo asked.

"He shut his Manbits in the door."

"Oh my poor little Cloud!" Sephiroth yelled.

"No, it's MY little Cloud who's hurting." Cloud squeeked.

"Uh, that's my cue to leave." Xigbar said.

"Let's all go back downstairs." I said, walking briskly out of the door, "Fifty gil to whoever can find the Pyro!"

Everyone piled out of the room except for Cloud. Tifa stayed behind to make sure that Sephiroth didn't come back in to molest Cloud. We walked downstairs to find Xemnas and Axel sipping Jack Daniels out of a couple of glasses. Sephiroth dove behind the bar and picked out the strongest liquor he could find. Probably trying to erase the last couple of hours from his memory. Every one sat behind the bar. Reno and Rude got into a fight about who was sitting where, but I put an end to the dispute by whacking them both repeatedly with a stick that I had found. Vincent glared at Axel, who swallowed and nervously played with his glass.

"You sure you want to let Sephiroth near liquor?" Vincent asked, turning towards me.

"Sure why not. I have a digital camcorder, so I can post the video's on the internet later." Vincent arched his eyebrows slightly before chuckling. I told Gir to pull out the Camcorder, but to keep it hidden for the time being. Gir just nodded, while petting George the Flying Pancake. (Holy shit! I swear I actually heard that thing purr!) I took a seat next to Xemnas and told Sephiroth that, since he was already back there, to get me sixteen shot glasses.

"Sixteen? Isn't that one too many?" Sephiroth said.

"We are going to have a visitor in 3...2...1..." Suddenly someone burst through the door yelling something about Kadaj stealing materia. "See. I told you." Sephiroth just shrugged and passed out the shot glasses.

"Is...Is that Sephiroth? Why is he in his boxers serving drinks? Why is Shinra here? WHAT'S GOING ON???"

"Sephiroth didn't want to put on a cow suit. We are about to play a drinking game. And Rufus, Why are you here again?" I asked, turning towards him.

"I just got bored."

"There you go. Questions answered, now come play Irish Hot Potato with us."

"Irish Hot Potato? What's that?" Reno asked.

"So glad you asked it is basically a game of playing catch with your friends, but with a few exceptions. When throwing to someone, you must say the name of someone else in the circle besides the person you're throwing to. For example, Joe, Bob, and Gary are playing. Gary throws to Bob and says, "Joe", that is okay. if Gary throws to Bob and says "Bob" he is out and drinks. 1. if you say the same name twice in a row, you are out and you drink. 2. if you say the name of the person you are throwing to, you drink. 3. i you say your own name, you drink. 4. if you wait more than two seconds, you drink. 5. if you peg the ball at someone (a peg will be decided by majority vote), the person pegged gets to peg it back at you for free. 6. the first person to win 3 times gets to make a new rule. 7. any stray balls, the last person on one knee with a finger on their nose fetches it. 8. when there are two people left, the same name cannot be said twice in a row between the two.(1) Get it now?"

"Yeah lets play!" Reno says enthusiastically.

"Oh no. What are you guys doing now?" Tifa said, coming down stairs with a limping Cloud.

"We are going to play a drinking game!" Gir says, sitting down on a barstool.

"You are letting him drink." Xigbar whispers to me.

"Yes. He actually belches flames. It's great." I said, pouring shots of 100 proof Hot Damn (one of my favorite drinks.)

"Good. Cause I need a stiff drink." Cloud says, gingerly sitting on a barstool.

Halfway through the drinking game, everyone is slurring (except for me, Xigbar, and Reno, but we can both hold our liquor fairly well and the others are lightweights!!!) Gir is belching up small flames, which keeps Axel entertained for the time being. Vincent has apparently forgiven Axel, because he is now talking to the redhead about everything with as much enthusiasm as he can muster. Cloud and Tifa are talking to Rufus about everything that happened before he showed up, which has Rufus, and Yuffie, in stiches. Xigbar and I are tossing coins at Loz, who passed out halfway through his first drink.

Suddenly, Xemnas clears his throat. "Ladies and...and fellow drunken peoples." He slurs, jumping on top of a table, "We have a sp...special treat for you tonight. Myself, Sephiroth, and Yazoo are going to sing for you all."

"Time for the camcorder Gir." I whisper to him. He gives me a thumbs up, as Sephiroth and Yazoo climb onto the table next to Xemnas. They start dancing (quite erotically I might add) and singing. Everyone stops, jaws hitting the ground, to watch the three silver haired men.

Sephiroth: I'm bringing sexy back

Them other boys don't know how to act

I think you're special whats behind your back

So turn around and i'll pick up the slack.

Yazoo: Take em' to the bridge

Sephiroth: Dirty babe

You see these shackles

Baby I'm your slave

I'll let you whip me if I misbehave

It's just that no one makes me feel this way

Xemnas: Take em' to the chorus

Sephiroth: Come here girl

Yazoo: Go ahead, be gone with it

Sephiroth: Come to the back

Yazoo: Go ahead, be gone with it

Sephiroth: VIP

Yazoo: Go ahead, be gone with it

Sephiroth: Drinks on me

Yazoo: Go ahead, be gone with it

Sephiroth: Let me see what you're working with

Yazoo: Go ahead, be gone with it

Sephiroth: Look at those hips

Yazoo:Go ahead, be gone with it

Sephiroth:You make me smile

Yazoo: Go ahead, be gone with it

Sephiroth: Go ahead child

Yazoo: Go ahead, be gone with it

Sephiroth: And get your sexy on

Yazoo: Go ahead, be gone with it

Sephiroth: Get your sexy on

Yazoo: Go ahead, be gone with it

Sephiroth: Get your sexy on

Sephiroth: I'm bringing sexy back

Them other boys don't know how to act

Come let me make up for the things you lack

Cause your burning up I gotta get it fast

Take em' to the bridge

I'm bringing sexy back

Them other boys watch while I attack

If that's your girl you better watch your back

Cause she'll burn it up for me and that's a fact

Xemnas: "Take em' to the chorus" (2)

I Whistled and clapped along with several others (Cloud included), while Xigbar screamed "Encore." with Rufus. Suddenly, Xemnas pitched forward, hitting the floor hard. He looked up, dazed, asking where the table went. Sephiroth and Yazoo broke down into fits of laughter. Gir handed me the camcorder and I took out the tape and hid it.

"It was horrible. It was a disaster. It was...short. WE LOVED IT." Vincent and Axel screamed in unison.

Sephiroth bowed, causing him to land on top of Xemnas. The two looked at each other for, what seemed like eternity, before Yazoo jumped onto both of them, causing their lips to crash together. Everyone stopped clapping and stared at the two silver haired men, who were apparently enjoying being in this position a little too much. I suddenly produced another tape and jammed it into the camcorder. I rushed forward and started recording the make out session while everyone else went back to their conversations, apparently used to this particular situation.

"Mind making a copy of that tape for the Castle that Never Was?" Xigbar asked.

"Nope. Not at all. I am putting it on the internet anyway. Most fan girls would kill for this sort of footage."

-----------------TO BE CONTINUED!!!------------------------------

1) Got this from an Irish drinking games site...though I don't remember which one...

2) from From Bringing Sex Back, by Justin Timberlake

Vincent:To -Hic- To be Continued? That -Hic- that sucks!

TCC: But we aren't finished yet. We still have at least one more chapter devoted to the drunken idiots here.

Vincent: I -hic- I am not an imniot.

Gir: At least Sephi is still making out with Xemmy.

TCC: That's true. Hmm I wonder if Sephi really is a vampire?

Gir: TCC SEPHI IS DOING SOMETHING BAD.

TCC: NO! BAD SEPHI! NO BITING THE SUPERIOR! DOWN BOY!

Vincent: BWAHAH-hic-HAHAHAHA

TCC: Next chapter I play the fiddle and everyone starts dancing to some old (and new) Irish songs. Sephiroth gets into trouble and someone finally finds out a terrible secret, which isn't much of a secret since we have been talking about it since the second chapter. And Vincent and Xigbar have a shooting contest, which cause more hilarity and insanity to come crashing down upon us. Stay Tuned!!!


End file.
